MARK MY WORDS, all affairs are not created equal! Different people cheat for different reasons. For some men, it may be emotional, some purely physical, and some a mixture of both. As you try to pick up the pieces of your life, it’s important to some women to figure out the why, in order to continue toward healing. The following illustrates three general types of cheaters. This is not meant in any way to be an exhaustive list, but however it is a start.
The Narcissist/ Addict
This type of cheater is all about him. He can be manipulative, and charming at the same time. When he has an affair, it is simply because he needs the ego stroke or to feed his addiction to women. Generally these guys have issues with women, maybe even a history of childhood trauma or neglect. He needs constant praise and admiration. This type of cheater is the most difficult to deal with because he can be so charming and flattering that he convinces you that you are the one who is overreacting and his cheating is not a big deal.
The Pusher
This type of cheater is terrified of letting you get to close. He may come off as angry all the time. He will avoid intimacy at all costs. He cheats because he wants to push you away. In fact, he may even be trying to escape any conflict or discord in the relationship by having an affair. But things get really overwhelming for him when he starts to have the same conflict with the affair partner. This type of cheater is also more likely to blame you for the affair.
The Silent Type
This type of cheater is the yes man. He will live to make you happy. He will go along with whatever you say. When you find out he has had an affair you are probably saying, “I never thought that he would do something like this.” All the while this guy has been harboring so much resentment toward you and does not know how to say it. This kind of guy struggles to be direct about how he feels and what he needs. When he is caught, he generally takes responsibility for his behavior and is willing to work to heal the relationship.
In the end…
This list is not an exhaustive one at all. During my years of working with couples I started to see patterns and these are some of the most common types of cheaters I saw. There is hope, but it starts with self healing. Despite the type of cheater you are with, you have to focus on healing the pain you are in, before you focus on the relationship.
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Marriage and Family Therapist 